Georgia Motorists' Bill of Rights

We Georgians need a Drivers' Bill of Rights. If that concept was good enough for our forefathers in 1789 and is good enough for medical patients now, I say let’s draft one up for us everyday drivers. After all, most of us spend more time in our cars than we do in a courtroom or hospital. Let me get the whole thing started with this list of ten core rights dear to most Georgians:

Article 1: The Legislature shall make no law requiring turn signals. And I mean even putting them in cars, not just using them. I’m not real clear on just where mine is, but if I have one, it’s just a waste of money and an invasion of privacy It’s my business when or where I turn or change lanes, and I sure don’t care when you are. It's also a matter of state and national security. Al Quaeda or ISIS or Yankees or the Trilateral Commission could be following any of us.

Article 2: The Legislature shall make no law regarding speed limits, at least for men. They say that age 60 is the new 40. Well, 90 mph is the new 60. Speedometers these days go up to 140 or 160. If I have to get to work or church or the ballgame, I should be the one to decide how fast I drive to get there. It’s a waste of valuable resources to have a truck that’ll do 120 mph and a wide, smooth five-lane road and pussyfoot around at 45 or even 70. And this goes for slow limits, too. If I want to drive 10 mph on I-75, which my tax dollars paid for, I should be allowed to. I have a natural right to be slow.

Article 3: The Legislature shall make no law requiring obedience to stop signs and stop lights. We waste a lot of valuable living time, not to mention gas, every day sitting at stop lights with no one coming the other way. We should be able to use our judgment about when to go through one. If no one gets hit, why should anyone care? If a tree falling in the woods when no one's around makes no sound, then a driver going though a stoplight when no one's around breaks no law. The same rule should apply about stop signs. They are just a nuisance.

Article 4: The Legislature shall make no law limiting lane choice. Who elected lane painters, anyway? If I need to turn from one street to another, I need to use whatever lane is free. Otherwise, how can I avoid slowpokes or make fast truns? And those double stripes, cross stripes, and such – what’s that all mean? It seems like a Commie plot to confuse and control citizens and deny our freedom.

Article 5: Georgians, especially my wife and daughter, have the inalienable

right to leave the car running with the a/c on when they go into the grocery store or

movie theater. Otherwise, the car gets too hot, and they would get sweaty.

And what would happen to the kids and dogs if you leave them without a/c for an

hour or two in the hot parking lot? Come to think of it, if all of us kept our car a/c going all the time, it’d probably do a lot to cool down this global warming thing, if it really is a thing.

Article 6: The Legislature should enact freedom of choice in seatbelt use. A lot of us have put on a few pounds in recent years and it makes it hard to even find the darn buckle, even if the belt would fit. But even skinny minnies know that seatbelts are dangerous. I don’t want to have to mess with getting out of a seatbelt after I get hit by some idiot driver going through a stoplight and I’m worried about a fire. Anyway, my family’s heads are hard enough to take out a windshield with little effect on our brainpower. If your family has soft heads, go ahead and wear a belt. As I said it should be a free choice. It’s un-American otherwise.

Article 7: Motorists should be free from cars with headlights on before dark. Don’t people know that it wastes electricity? And the bulbs’ll burn out faster. More waste of resources. We need to worry about conserving resources so that we can keep the a/c going all thge time and freedom from the headlight idiots. Same with the rain headlights. If you can’t see when it’s raining, for gosh sake, stay home. Don’t clutter up the road.

Article 8: Motorists should be free from dodging bicycles on real roads. Roads are for

taxpayers who use gas, not for skinny guys and gals in spandex undies. They go too

slow and make those of us who actually pay for the roads pass them on hills and curves. In fact, anyone who dresses like that shouldn’t be in public in the first place. They should be in France.

Article 9: Well, just like our forefathers, I’m running out of steam here. After all,

whose ever heard of the 9th and 10th Amendments? Well, other free-minded citizens

can take up the slack and suggest more ideas for The Georgia Motorists’ Bill of Rights. It’s about time we took back our roads.